Seven books in Seven Chapters
by HeirOfRavenclaw432
Summary: This is a weird parody Harry Potter thingy. There is a chapter for each book  which is kind of obvious from the title, but oh well .
1. Book 1: The Stone

**Seven books in Seven Chapters**

**This is a summary/ parody Harry Potter thingy. You decide which one.**

**Oh, yeah. I don't own Harry Potter. Once I did... then I woke up.**

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><p>"Hi Harry. I'm Hagrid and yer a wizard."<p>

"I'm a wizard? Get me away from here, then."

"Well, what yeh've got ter understand about it is tha' an evil guy whose name nobody will tell yeh killed yer parents and then yeh accidentally killed him. So now yer famous."

"Er… Right."

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><p>"I'm Harry and now I'm friends with Ron. Hogwarts is totally awesome!"<p>

"Merlin, Harry, it's a three-headed dog!"

"Let's go save a rock from an evil guy, then!"

"No, we have to fight a troll first."

—One troll fight later—

"Now I'll save the rock from the evil guy!"

"Yes, I think the evil guy is Snape."

"No, it's Qu—"

"Shhh!"

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><p>"Hi Harry. I'm Dumbledore and I give you a bunch of important information in your sixth year. Then I die. Anyway, I destroyed the rock you saved from the evil guy."<p>

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><p>Yeah. It's really weird and random and short, but I posted it because... um... er... Well, because I felt like it. And because I could. If you hated it, well, whatever. If you liked it, then have fun reading the rest when I post it ;) :P<p> 


	2. Book 2: The Chamber

**Seven books in Seven Chapters- Book 2  
><strong>

**This is a summary/ parody Harry Potter thingy. You decide which one.**

**Oh, yeah. I don't own Harry Potter. Once I did... then I woke up.**

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><p>"Oh no! Ms. Norris is Petrified!"<p>

"Shut up, Ron! That hasn't happened yet! First we need to destroy your dad's car with a tree!"

"All right then! I'll go get the car!

—One war waged against a tree later—

"Ms. Norris is Petrified!"

"Oh no!"

"Now Collin is Petrified! And Hermione! And That Prefect girl! And Malfoy didn't do it! Just pretend we already made Polyjuice Potion in the girls' bathroom!"

"Oh no!"

"Is that all you know how to say?"

"I can also say that there are giant spiders in the forest and that Voldemort has trapped my sister with a diary and a snake that's been living in the plumbing for fifty years."

"Oh no!"

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><p>"Die Basilisk! I am Harry Potter and I just so happen to know Parseltounge, which is the key to saving Ginny! Nothing to do with some author who likes her and wants her to survive! Just a coincidence!"<p>

"I am Tom Riddle also known as Voldemort and I am telling Harry Potter my real name so he can taunt me about it later!"

"Die Basilisk! Fwakes! I need the sword of Gryffindor!"

"NOOOOO!"

"Too bad! Watch me stab your pet killer snake and then destroy your Horcrux that I don't know is a Horcrux! Why did you use a Horcrux to open a chamber that contains one of the few things that can destroy a Horcrux, anyway?"

"The author told me to."

"She seems to want me to keep beating you but almost dying in the process. It's kind of annoying."

"Yeah. I HATE being beaten by a little kid with messy hair and glasses."

"I am NOT a little kid! And besides, I meant that the almost dying part is annoying, not the beating you part."

"Oh yeah, you keep nearly getting yourself killed… well, I suppose that's annoying for you! But for me, it means I might actually kill you one day!"

"Wait, how are you still here? I just stabbed the diary."

"Oh. I need to scream in pain and vanish. AAAAAHHHHH!"

(VoldyTom vanishes)

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><p>Well, that's the end of partbook 2 of this story! Part 3: coming soon!


	3. Book 3: The Prisoner

**Seven books in Seven Chapters- Book 3**

**This is a summary/ parody Harry Potter thingy. You decide which one.**

**Oh, yeah. I don't own Harry Potter. Once I did... then I woke up.**

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><p>"I blew up my aunt. Oops."<p>

"Well, Harry, that wasn't very smart."

"It's not like I did it on purpose!"

"Sure you didn't. At least you weren't expelled."

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><p>"Sirius Black is a crazy murderer who wants to kill you, Harry."<p>

"Yeah, there's a big black dog and it means you're gonna DIE!"

"Um, okay? Why does everyone want to kill me?"

"The crazy murderer dude just so happens to be your godfather, Harry!"

"What are we gonna do, Ron?"

"Well, first we wait for him to prove to us that he's innocent and my rat is evil."

—One interesting conversation that happened inside of a tree later—

"Ron's rat is evil!"

"Oh no! What will we do?"

"Ron, you go to the hospital! Hermione and I have to go back in time!"

—After saving Sirius and Buckbeak—

"Snape says that he _knows_ that Harry freed Sirius Black!"

"Don't be silly, Hermione, how could you be in two places at once?"

—Harry and Hermione glance at each other—

"Albus Dumbledore knows nothing about this!"


	4. Book 4: The Goblet

**Seven books in Seven Chapters- Book 4  
><strong>

**This is a summary/ parody Harry Potter thingy. You decide which one.**

**Oh, yeah. I don't own Harry Potter. Once I did... then I woke up.**

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><p>"Harry! Your name came out of a cup so now you have to risk your life in a dangerous tournament that everyone thinks you entered. And Ron hates you for it. And Rita Skeeter will try to ruin your life."<p>

"Well, that sucks, doesn't it, Hermione?"

"Yes it does Harry now go to Hagrid's hut so he can conveniently tell you an important plot point about how the first task is dragons."

—One visit to Hagrid later—

"Hey Cedric it's dragons and I just feel like telling you so you can tell me about the clue for the second task. 'Cause I think the author kinda likes me."

"'Course she does Harry, you're the main character. Now go learn a summoning charm."

—Four dragons and a firebolt later—

"Hey Harry I'm suddenly your best mate again because you have nobody else to save from the lake."

"Cool Ron but I have a useless golden egg and Hermione can't help 'cause I told her I solved the riddle."

"Well talk to Cedric he'll help you to pay you back for that time you conveniently got the urge to tell him about the dragons."

—One song later—

"What the [this word has been omitted to keep the fic rated K] does that mean?"

"Oh, go jump in a lake!"

"Thanks Moaning Myrtle! I think that's exactly what I have to do!"

—One example of Harry's "Saving people thing" later—

"Now, the next task is the MAZE OF DOOM where the prize is a portkey to Voldemort."

"Cool! I so want to win!"

—One maze later—

"Cedric, I don't like you. You're this spare guy—"

"Kill the spare!"

"NO! I was supposed to die, I'm wearing red and everything!"

"You'll die now! Avada Kedavra!"

"Expelliarmus!"

"Mum? Dad?"

"Hey Harry we just popped out of Voldy's wand here so you can survive. Bye now."

—One portkey that was conveniently set up to go _back_ to Hogwarts as well even though the person who made it didn't want that to happen later—

"Cedric's dead! Voldemort's back!"

"The minister is in denial!"

"Albus Dumbledore believes Harry without question because if he didn't Harry would have to fight a war on his own and the author likes him too much for that to happen."


	5. Book 5: The Order

**Seven books in Seven Chapters- Book 5  
><strong>

**This is a summary/ parody Harry Potter thingy. You decide which one.**

**Oh, yeah. I don't own Harry Potter. Once I did... then I woke up.**

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><p>"DEMENTOR!"<p>

"Expecto Patronum!"

"We're sorry, that spell is not allowed in front of Muggles. Please come to a hearing even though Umbridge knows full well that you were protecting yourself from dementors."

—One hearing later—

"Yay, I won't be expelled!"

"Of course not, you're Harry Potter, you're the main character!"

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><p>"Umbrige is keeping us from learning anything useful!"<p>

"Oh no!"

"I will make the DA so we can learn stuff 'cause I already know everything anyway!"

"Huzzah!"

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><p>"Voldemort is trying to trick me into going to the ministry by sending me a vision of Sirius being tortured. I think it would be nice to fall for it and completely forget about the mirror he gave me so I can talk to him. "<p>

"What a great idea, Harry, let's go to the Ministry!"

—One battle later—

"I'm Ron Weasley and these brains in the Department of Mysteries made me go craaaaaaaaazy! But not in the same way as Bellatrix, that would be awful."

"Sirius is dead! I'm so depressed. I think I'll destroy Dumbledore's office to help me get over it…"

"I am Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge and I saw Lord… Thingy."

"Oh just say the name already!"

"I believe that Albus Dumbledore gets to say 'I told you so.'"


	6. Book 6: The Prince

**Seven books in Seven Chapters- Book 6  
><strong>

**This is a summary/ parody Harry Potter thingy. You decide which one.**

**Oh, yeah. I don't own Harry Potter. Once I did... then I woke up.**

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><p>"This mystery book is the property of the half-blood Prince!"<p>

"Hey Harry. Dumbledore here. Voldemort has Horcruxes. All right, time for Snape to kill me."

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Harry Potter is ENRAGED!"

"I, Snape, am the half-blood Prince!"

"Well, I don't like the Prince anymore."

"TO SUMMARIZE: Dumbledore died. Nothing else of importance happened this year."


	7. Book 7: The Hallows

**Seven books in Seven Chapters- Book 5  
><strong>

**This is a summary/ parody Harry Potter thingy. You decide which one.**

**Oh, yeah. I don't own Harry Potter. Once I did... then I woke up.**

* * *

><p>"I'm skipping school to hunt bits of my enemies soul. Sounds fun, right?"<p>

"Oh, yeah! Hermione and I will come with you, Harry! Sounds wonderful!"

"Thanks Ron. This will be fun!"

—A few months later—

"You know what, Harry? I changed my mind. I'm about to be possessed by this creepy locket we keep wearing for some reason. This Horcrux hunt sucks. I'm leaving."

"Ron's sane. I feel BETRAYED!"

"I know, Harry. This really sucks for me, though. I'm in love with him and he'll never love me if he's actually _sane_!"

"You'll be fine, Hermione. This is a children's fantasy book, not a young adult tragic romance novel."

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><p>"Oh! Hi there, Ron. What amazing timing. You just so happened to be here when the creepy locket was about to kill me… the author must really like me! And now we can destroy Horcruxes!"<p>

—After destroying Gringotts with a dragon in order to obtain a cup—

"Let's go to Hogwarts! How convenient that random vision was!"

"All right!"

—One battle, several deaths, and one kind-of-death later—

"Wow. I just so happen to be the one person who has united the Deathly Hallows _and_ the owner of the Elder wand. Clearly the author likes me."

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><p>"Please insert a random epilogue saying that Harry married Ginny and Ron married Hermione that will inspire quite a lot of next generation fanfiction."<p>

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><p><strong>Well, that's<strong>** the end of this story, Seven Books in Seven Chapters! Please leave a review, even if you're reading this months or years after it was posted... I want to know what you thought!  
>This story has ended, but you can find more on my profile if you want. I hope you enjoyed the story!<br>**


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